In the work of Sue Johnson, conflict between partners is understood less as a problem of poor communication and more as a protest about emotional disconnection. From her Emotionally Focused Therapy perspective, fights often follow a predictable pattern in which one partner pursues (criticising, demanding, escalating) while the other withdraws (shutting down, avoiding, going quiet). Johnson argues that beneath these reactive positions are unmet attachment needs — each person is really asking, “Are you there for me? Do I matter to you?”
When couples can slow the interaction down and recognise the fear, loneliness, or longing underneath the anger, the fight shifts from blame to vulnerability. In her book Hold Me Tight, she emphasises that the goal is not to eliminate conflict but to transform it into moments of emotional reaching, where partners learn to signal their needs more openly and respond to each other with reassurance rather than defensiveness. #goodcommunication #relationshiptips #relationshipadvicechallenge